3/10/09

A little bit of honesty...

Why is it that a song can start a flood of emotions at all the wrong places? Why is it that all this time I have by myself I can keep it together, yet something triggers my emotions in public? I've been trying so hard to be "fine". People ask how I am, and of course I say fine. They don't want to hear that your heart is broken, you are a miserable mess, and you wish you could turn into a bear and hibernate until everything is fixed.

So in order to get my emotions in check, figure out exactly where I stand and prioritize my issues, I am going to list them here. For all the world to see, as stupid as that probably is. So that way when I break down in front of you, you will won't think I'm nuts. Errr...well, so if you think I'm nuts at least you know I have a valid reason for losing my mind.

And I have to say thank you to my girlfriends out there who have totally honest blogs. You are who inspires me to keep it honest and real here on mine...

1. I miss my Eli. I hate this entire situation, but am so thankful that there is something we are able to do to help him. It's not easy...it's the hardest thing I've ever done. But you do what you have to for your children, and this is what we had to do.

2. I miss my Chaser. I feel guilty for leaving him in Oklahoma, even though I know I am not a bad mom for doing so. I just feel terrible being separated from him. At least this will be resolved when I get back to OK on Saturday.

3. Last night when we were eating dinner, this song came on...that Dido song that says, "I want to thank you...for giving me the best day of my life..." Normally I do okay with songs that bring up memories, but given the sappy emotional state I'm in, this song just pushed me past my limit. The story behind it is that my dear friend Michelle played that song for me the first time I heard it. We were sitting at our desks when we worked together at ACIG, and she thought I would love it. I did...and I still do. But now my heart breaks when I hear it, because it brings that moment back to me and I see Michelle clear as day - and I miss her.

4. And last but not least, Norman's family has been on our minds lately, and it is bothering us both. I just hate that I can't fix that for him; he deserved more from his family than what he got, and it infuriates me. It's amazing to me that people can have so much to be thankful for...to be proud of...and yet they are so wrapped up in themselves that they miss out on the joys of living. Norman has done so much and accomplished so much...any parent would be so proud of their child who has done half of what he has done. He deserved parents who would be proud of him and it is a pity they don't see it.

5. I think that covers it.

I'm just tired of pretending everything is okay right now, when it isn't. So there it is...that's how I am...honestly.

6 comments:

Melinda said...

I hope you are feeling better now that that is all off your chest. I can't imagine how hard it must be to not only deal with all of those things but to also keep them locked up and buried inside. Thanks for sharing and know that you and your precious family are always in my thoughts and prayers. Love you, sweetie!

Ally said...

Girl, you know you can always keep it real. Both on your blog, and on the phone and in person and any other time. Don't every tell me you're "fine" when you're not! I know what you mean about people not wanting to hear it, but your friends wouldn't ask if they didn't care.

I'd offer you one of my break and bake cookies to make you feel better, but you and I both know those are long gone.

Hang in there Stace. Just hang in.

Charity Childs-Gevero said...

You know what...I think that personally, I have been pushed off of the cliff named "being fine" and have fallen, fallen, fallen, and who knew it, when you are pushed off of the cliff...there's nothing else to feel except fine! You know? It's like falling off of a horse or something...you get up and then you laugh a stupid laugh...and then that's when you're truly happy! Ha!

Wendy said...

The public crying thing is weird. For normal problems(bad hair days or everything seems to go wrong) it seems easier to cry when alone. For some reason, when things are completely out of whack, being in public seems to magnify everything. Maybe it is because when one is truly grieving, watching normal people with normal problems walking around doing their normal thing contrasts with how you are feeling.
Don't worry about it though. I know you are a very self concious person, but you deserve to cry whenever it comes to you. Don't worry about what strangers will think of you or if your mascara is running. Who cares. Besides, you never know when a stranger might see you and pray for you without even knowing your situation. You can't keep it bottled up. *hug*

Shawna Byrd said...

Hugs, We all put on "acts" in public sometimes. I must tell you that I think Chaser is doing great. I saw your mom at church and she said that Chase gets excited to talk but is ok going on and playing. It is bothering you way more than him! Kind of funny how that works. I also thought you should know that he is the sweetest little boy, he just came right to me and gave me the biggest hug on Sunday. So you must be doing something right!
With Hugs and Love
Shawna

Stacey said...

Thank you all so very much. Your words are so encouraging to me...Love you all...