12/2/09

I’m taking out my bad day on my blog…

So consider yourself warned.  Lets see…where do I start.  The move is coming up which causes a lot of stress in itself…we have 8 nights left in this house.  Trying to get Eli’s medical records transferred down to the region that supports the Shreveport area has taken an act of God, and we are thankful that after months of frustration that seems to have finally been resolved.  But on top of all this,  as if we need something so huge to make us all stop in our tracks for the next 48 hours, Eli is in need of his Amantadine break.  If you aren’t familiar with what that means, it basically means that his meds work for 2 months, then after that time they build up in his system and stop working.  So it’s like he’s un-medicated.  NOT GOOD.  The good part about it is that it’s not something that takes a long time to flush out of your system, so it only takes a two day break, and then life can return to its happy, normal, sane self.  The two days he is off of the medication are filled with screaming, tantrums, fighting, throwing things, hitting, kicking, crying, lashing out…you get the picture. It’s not pretty.  Autism is not pretty.  And I wish I could educate more people about the dangers in some of the vaccines and the reason WHY Eli is the way he is, but people don’t want to hear it…aren’t interested.  Don’t care that mercury and aluminum and formaldehyde are in a lot of what they inject into their babies.  But those of us who are affected by our lack of information back then do care…and hurt when we see our friends making the same choices we made once upon a time, and then come to us saying their child has been diagnosed as autistic.  Unfortunately from my end, it’s no surprise.  Educate yourselves moms.  Know what is in each vaccine.  Or you will have a life like ours, which is hard and trying, and some days makes you question the very God who you know loves you and has sacrificed himself for you.  I’m human.  I know that in the end my Eli will be made perfect in Him, and that these trials will bring us blessings in Heaven.  But there are days in my weakness that I want to get on my knees and scream at God “WHY”.  There are awful people on this earth…what did I do? I am not strong enough to handle this child who tests my will…my faith…my strength. 

Perhaps I should be ashamed to put this out for all the world to see. But I’m not, because I’m not alone.  And reading blogs like these from friends who have gone through the same things I have is sometimes all I have to keep me going.  So if you are struggling in this same way, all I can offer is the knowledge that you are not alone. 

And while I’m on an emotional train-wreck circus side-show, I’ll continue with my last frustration.  Which I will admit is self inflicted.  It’s one of those things that I shouldn’t care about, but I do.  Norman has been trying to communicate with his sister for some time, and I’ve tried everything in my power to help foster that communication.  And for what? It seems for nothing.  He has gotten no response. No contact. The only person in Norman’s family that he communicates with is his brother, and we are so thankful for that.  FAMILIES SHOULD COMMUNICATE.  There are issues I will not get into for privacy sake, but we had prayed and hoped that a relationship could be built and strengthened with his sister.  The prayers and tears shed in this process are in God’s hand, but the hardest thing for me to realize is that I cannot make Melanie write Norman.  I cannot make her WANT to be a part of his life…of our kids lives…For crying out loud our kids have cousins they will potentially never meet.  How much reaching out do you do before you give up? Before you say I’ve tried and I can’t try anymore? Before you decide that they just don’t think you are worth it? And how do you reconcile that? I love my brother dearly, and wish that Norman had the same relationship with BOTH his siblings.  But I can’t change anyone.  I guess all I can do is keep praying that whatever is God’s will will make itself known. 

And that’s all I’ve got.  I’ve got two screaming kids, a headache, and housework to take care of…

4 comments:

Stacey said...

Sorry your so frustrated right now, Stace. I can't imagine what you go through. Things will get better. You will be all moved and settled in before you know it. Of course, this is coming from someone not going through it.

God knew that Eli would need a very special mama, so he gave him you! :) I hope that came out right??

As for Norman's sister, there really isn't anything you can do. She is an adult, and It is her loss not to have a relationship with her brother!

Smile....

C said...

Stacey, this post is very emotional, courageous, and real.

I'm proud of you.

And I think that it's not a fault to care too much. So if you find yourself caring too much and others don't even listen (about the vaccines) well it's not a fault to care too much. I think the first part of your post is related to the next half of your post. It's also not your fault that you care too much about family reconciliation. But then, at a point, you just have to stop reaching out. Because sometimes you want to help people who don't want to help themselves. And that's not supposed to be your problem, Stacey. :) So don't make it yours. :)

Love you. :)

-Charity

samskat said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time right now. I wish that there was something we could do to make this easier for you.

Stacey said...

Thank you all so much. I'm so sorry I'm so awful at responding to your comments...hopefully things will slow down soon, and I can get back to my normal bloggy self!!