It’s so funny…I have been so stressed. Worried sick about Eli. Worried about what people think about us. Worried that I’m doing too much, or maybe not enough for him. Worried that Norman will deploy, worried he will be reassigned. Will I be alone? What if something happens on a deployment? I worry about Chase. When will he realize his brother is different? Will Eli ever know he is? When can I let all this GO and just release it to God and say – you died for me…you died for my Eli…for my Chase and for my Norman. And we will all be okay. Everything will be okay. None of us makes it out of here alive anyway…
But I realized something tonight that I suppose I’ve known all along…despite my worrying, I can’t solve any one thing, help any one person, or change anything. But what I do have is the assurance that this world is only temporary, and it is a very imperfect and judgmental place. In the song Blessed Assurance, there is a phrase…”Perfect submission, all is at rest, I in my Savior am happy and blessed, watching and waiting and looking above, I’m filled with his goodness and lost in his love…” Perfect submission…STOP. Just submit to Him. Lean on Him. Find rest in Him. HE is the only place I will find rest. Not a doctor who may know all the right answers or in a vacation where I may escape the reality of our lives for a few days. I need to just let go.
Tonight I sat outside and just looked at the stars, and was so thankful. Thankful for my family…and oddly enough, realizing that Eli blesses me even despite all of the pain we have gone through as a family. All the times I wished he could just be “normal”…what if he was? Would I ever realize the hurt that others go through with their special children? Would I ever realize how heavy that cross is to bear? The answer is a huge no. I wouldn’t feel a need to advocate for and help and encourage those who the rest of the worlds sees as different. The only thing that I see (as a mother of a special needs child who is labeled as different), is that we are CALLED to be different. To stand out, to step up. Would I have learned to fight this fight if it weren’t for my Eli? No. Do I cry because my heart breaks for him that his life won’t be like everyone else’s? YES. But that’s the thing…I have blessed assurance that one day Eli will be perfect. God loved him and knew him before I did, and he gave him to me. Why? Why me? Maybe someday I will really fully understand that, but for now, all I need to do is trust that everything WILL be okay, because it is promised to me. It is promised to Eli.
And this life I live, the fight I am fighting for Eli and for friends who come to me for help…This is MY story, and this is MY song. And I’ll keep singing until I’m heard.